Bisaya Alert: Kaanyag

(Cebuano poem I've written when I was 17. Sketch made the other day.)

Sa samin, ang kaugalingon, nahikaplagan

Sa mata, ang panagway, nahibatyagan

Kon ugaling isulti, kini ba dautan?

Sa kasayuran, aduna ba gayoy utlanan?

Mga babayeng nagkanda-iya ug hitsura,

aron madawat nga gwapa,

kinahanglan ba magsubay ug usa ra ka porma?

Apan di ba kana imposible sanglit lain-lain kita’g mata?

Tambok- niwang, puti-itom

Tawag ba kini sa katahom?

Taas- mubo, intsik-budlat

Sa kaugalingon, kini ba nagbatbat?

Ang dakong pangutana

Sa akong hunahuna nagdagan.

Ang kaanyag, naa ba gayoy sukdanan

Ngano man sa pangdaut way pugong ang uban?

Angayan ba gayud

aron ang taw malipay,

sa isig-kaingon

kinahanglan mangtamay?

Busa kining sunod nga mga linya

Para kini kanimo…

Ikaw nga puro maot ang nakita

Imbes na ang maayo.

Kung ikaw tambukikay,

Sa mga niwang ayaw panghinaway.

Ug imong lawas bitaw mugamay,

Sa kamera di muundang magpahulagway.

Ikaw pud niwang, ayaw palabi.

Pagbiay-biay sa supang intawn undangi.

Dili tanan gustong maparehas kanimo

Ang uban, sa tinuod, nangandoy mudako.

Kung imong tupad nagmake-up,

Ayaw pagbu-ot.

Nganong masuko man ka?

Wala man siya manghilabot.

Bantay bitaw kung ikaw kaslon,

Make-up sa dagway, imong gamiton.

Ing-lakaw sa altar, ayaw nalang katingala

Imong dagway ug pamiste, mao rang kolora.

Kung imong gaway pirteng taasa

Unya imong li-og hastang habuga

Pagyubit sa mga hamubo ayaw pud anara

Wala sa kahitas-on ang pag-abot sa himaya.

Magpabuwad man ka sa adlaw

o mangnudnod ug chin chun su

Sige lang, padayon.

Kinabuhi man na nimo.

Apan kung ang panit nimo

imo nang nabayluan,

Ikalipay nalang na.

Ayaw na hilabti ang panit sa uban.

Taas- mubo, intsik-budlat, tambok- niwang, puti-itom.

Kinsa man gud gauna-una ug ingon

Nga niining gipares-pares nga pulong,

Ang usa bati, ang usa matahom?

Sama sa akong pag-ila

nga akong dagway “lapad”

Dili kana pagpangdaut

samut dili pagpangandak.

Sa akong pagsaysay niini,

wala akoy gustong ipadayag

Kundi ang yanong kamatuoran

nga akong nawng murag basak: patag.

Dili tanan nga naghulagway sa kaugalingon, nagbagutbot.

Ang uban kamatuoran lang ang gustong ipa-sabot

Nga sa ilang mata aduna silay natataw

Dili kana pagpakaluoy, o pagpakagarbo, o pagpakaulaw.

Tuod ikaw walay korona

O titulo nga ikaw gwapa

Ayaw kana ikabalaka

Kay ikaw, inday, walay susama.

Mahimo nga ikaw wala nanumbaling niining akong gipangsulti

Mahimo usab nga ikaw nahimuot.

Apan sa akong gipangyawyaw, kini’y importante:

“Nga ang sukdanan sa kaanyag ikaw ang magbuot.”

Less than three

< 3

I know... I know... The nerve right? Well, I have long lost all my sense of inhibition ever since I fell down the steps of my school years back... and I thought to myself, nothing could be worse than that (Not even me playing the guitar, singing the song and posting it online. HAHA!) Ok, here goes. Let your ears bleed and I'll enjoy. :) Unless you enjoy bleeding too, then---you ENJOY! ^_^ It's an old video but it makes me proud I got the rhythm with the guitar right. Spare me the criticism. I already know. :)

Pinoy Folklore

Aswang, Manananggal, Tiyanak, Duwende, Kapre, Agta, Mangkukulam, Maligno, Tikbalang, Sigbin, White Lady/Kaperosa, Bampira, Pugot, Nuno sa Punso, Siyokoy, Wak-wak, Bungisngis, Santelmo... the list goes on.

I do not know about today's generation, but when I was young, stories of these folklore creatures were among the most popular. My auntie used to tell us varied true-to-life (or so she says) stories about them before we go to bed and they were the best I have ever heard. I would lie in bed thinking about them before sleeping and I'd dream about them whilst asleep. Don't get me wrong, I am no Elias Paniki. Truth be told, I'm chickensh**. But I love a good story...scary or otherwise. I once even wanted to be like the Brothers Grimm and swore to myself that when I grow old enough to drive, I'd travel far and wide in search of never-before known stories. I thought maybe that would make me a legend of some sort.

Of course, time passed... I grew up... Stories of the folklore creatures were reduced to half-assed films with over-the-top editing and effects... and I never learned how to drive. But every now and then I am still reminded of those creatures of the night especially this time of the year when halloween's just around the corner. Still scares the crap out of me. But I love it still. I think that's he whole point of the story after all: to be scary. Not that it had to be necessary told through illustrations, overrated cinematography, or whathaveyous. They're cool and all. But more often than not, they tend to overshadow the whole story and the story gets lost in translation. It's sad. I think a good story is that which lets the mind work. Let the mind imagine things... let it speculate,  let it doubt, let it suspect,  --- to let it be it's own evil so to speak. That's when you get the experience.

To everybody who knows a good folklore or two, I would encourage you to pass it on. Tell it to a friend, a niece, a nephew, a young neighbor who pisses you off... tell it. Be a storyteller and tell it.

Let the stories of the night and the dead live. Happy Halloween.

THESIS TALK #2 PROBLEMS

When we were making our undergrad thesis, I was suffering from chronic vertigo and a sprained ankle; 2 of my members were working students; the other one was only allowed by her guardian to meet us on specifically limited times; and our original statistician died in the middle of our work. Not to mention, we were all graduating students complying with other projects and requirements with barely a peso on our individual bank accounts (as if we even had one). BUT we finished nonetheless. So did the rest of our mates who were dealing with their own personal dilemmas... So did the rest of our batchmates... So did every graduating student who preceded us.

So, you see.  I basically do not believe in excuses.

Ika nga: "kung gusto, laging may paraan; kung ayaw, laging may dahilan."

So much so that if we did not get what we strove for, it is maybe because we didn't want  it enough... or that we didn't work for it hard enough. What we get is what we deserve... and we determine what we deserve based on how willing we are to endeavour for success and how we actually endeavour for it.

If you are faced with a problem, think about this: everybody who came before you also underwent the same problem--- probably even worse.

They too cried in front of the computer screen while editing their rationale and/or theoretical background. They too sighed a gazillion times while scanning through the corners of their brain , if not the corners of the web, looking for the appropriate term and/or synonym. They too, after having finished encoding the draft, experienced losing all the files saved in their flashdrives, prompting them to redo the work. They too tried to take "POWER NAPS" as advised by one of their teachers but to no avail because their groupmates kept on asking for thesis updates. They too rummaged their closets (and their friends' closets) looking for the proper outfit to wear for the thesis proposal, trying to avoid being questioned by their panel on their 'costumes' than on their thesis. They too suffered  anxiety, mental anguish, sleepless nights, and wounded feelings, among others, which would have been enough to file an action for damages in civil courts (and would've won). Above all, they too spent hours staring at the face of their professor in class, if not at the door of one of the comfort room cubicles, while thinking about where to get the money to pay for their panel's snacks. 

We all have our fair share of problems BUT it is not without a solution. 

Do not rely on excuses. Never ---ever--- justify failure.

Remember, every student who got up on stage and received their degree had, in one way or another, struggled to be where they were. You? Where do you want to be? How far will you go to get there? It is all up to you. Prove yourself worthy.


THESIS TALK #1  

THESIS ADVICE: PAANO MAGHANAP NG TOPIC?

:)

HAHA! ODD POST ALERT! :)

2 years ago,  I asked somebody what he'd do if I'd one day go blind. He said, he'll give me one of his eyes. I kid, "just one?"

"Well, yeah," He answered. "I won't give you both. Imagine if I gave you both my eyes? You will then have the burden of looking after a blind guy. If I give you just one, at least both of us have one eye each. We'd be quite a pair." :)

When you hear the music, you dance. There will be cheers, jeers, nonchalance and whatnot. But don't fret; don't even stop. When the dance is through, you can take on whatever music life gives you.

THESIS ADVICE: PAANO MAGHANAP NG TOPIC?

Hindi naman talaga mahirap gumawa ng thesis. 

Wow! Bonggang intro noh? haha! But seriously, it really isn't hard provided, ofcourse, that you're workng with

1)matitinong ka-groupmates,

2)masipag na adviser/s, at

3)espiritong determinadong maka-gradweyt!

If you fall short in any of these, d'yan mo masasabing "Gosh! This is so mahirap!"

Otherwise, you'll do just fine. :)

Granting that you have met the 3 requisites already (a group, an adviser, and yourself), WHAT NEXT?

As the title suggests, FIND A TOPIC?

There are many ways to find a topic. I have known a lot who were able to come up with a topic through different means: years and years of thorough thinking, suggestion, checking the web, by chance, or being-pressured-to-study-suggested-topics-by-their-over-zealous-parents-who-wish-their-children-were-in-harvard-but-had-to-settle-with-highly-accredited-schools-in-the-locality...among others. So you see? There are many ways. To each his own, so to speak.

But before you say, "walang kwentang write-up naman to! So paano nga kami makakapili?!"

Calm your you-know-whats! Relax ka lang d'yan. I will help you.:) 

Here goes:

In finding a topic, what you ought to do (as you've always done in all other academic undertakings) is THINK! Yes, think. Gather your groupmates and brainstorm. Payo ko lang, kapag nagbi-brainstorm na, h'wag naman puro chika lang ng chika. Kung pupwede, mag-assign ng Sgt. at Arms sa grupo para s'yang taga-saway!

On a sheet of paper, write ALL possible topics that come to mind. Write it all down regardless of how ridiculous you think it is (who knows? The craziest idea could win you the "Grand Thesis Award". Kung mangangambisyon ka rin lang naman, lubos -lubosin mo na!). BUT limit yourself to the things that is OF INTEREST to you personally. 

So by now, may listahan na kayo (ala listahan ng mga pangalan ng mga kaklase mong umuutang sayo na di pa nagbabayad.*ehem-parinig-ehem*)

When you've written down all of the suggestions, run through them and, as a group, put them in order according to the most interesting. Remember, this time, you order them according to interest AS A GROUP. H'wag makipag-away para lang masunod ang gusto. Kaya nga GROUP THESIS diba?! Kung di mo carry ang mag-accede sa desisyon ng grupo, nag-solo ka nalang sana!

After which, you eliminate those which you think are not feasible for study or have already been studied before (unless you think a restudy of the topic could be had due to significant developments). This then will require you to do research to see if materials for your prospective topic is available or if your prospective topic would duplicate an already existing one. Better yet, humingi ka ng advice sa adviser mo! Para ano pa't naging adviser n'yo yan kung wala siyang ikaka-advise sa inyo.

Sa stage na ito, elimination nalang ang gawin nyo. Tanggalin na ang mga di n'yo trip, may sabit, or walang kakwenta2(kasali na dito yung ridiculous na idea na nanatiling riduculous til the end---di nag-evolve into brilliancy). Kung ano yung natira, yun ang WAGI! 

Basta, maging open kayo sa mga mungkahi. H'wag selfish! Dahil pagdating sa Panel Defense, kelangan mo ng matibay na hukbo ng sandatahang lakas. HAHA! Sa battlefield, pare, di pupwedeng ikaw lang ang may alam kasi ikaw lang ang gumawa ng thesis kasi ikaw lang ang interesado! HAHA Dahil kung ganun, goodluck nalang kung di ka bigyan ng award with matching background music na "all by myself" by mariah carey... dahil, pare... Oo na! ikaw na! Ikaw na ang bida! hahahaha!

Para sa mga katanungan, mag-message lang.

Dressed to the nines. Dressed to thine eynes. :)

I am not into clothes. Not that I have anything against anyone who is; I think that's perfectly fine. Clothes are after all among the basic physiological needs of man based on Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs.

What I am trying to say is that I am not into the whole 'trending' thing.  I am not as conscious with choosing designs of clothes that fit the era as much as I am conscious with the minutes left before the microwave dings.  Don't hate me just yet... there are types of clothes, I admit, I like and  there are types of clothes I'd derisively crunch my nose at for being horrific. BUT if someone is going to ask me about fashion advice, I would shirk away because I do not think I have the authority to solicit one.

I have been told by a couple of people, however, that I have a good collection of clothes, which I would have to say I personally think is true. But I do not arrogantly pride myself of them because I did not choose them myself. In fact, I did not even buy them for I don't have the money (real talk). The truth is, most of it are just gifts to me from my sister Anne. My sister runs this online shop and whenever she tasks me to reship the items, she gives me clothes as a reward for a job well done. The perk of having a sister who sells  good quality chic clothes, I have to say.

Then whenever I have to go out or go to school, my other sister, Joyce, picks out the clothes, matches them up and lets me wear them. She is basically my wardrobe consultant (if I may call her that).

So there goes the truth. I am no better than the mannequin behind the glass window, who awaits for the personnel to dress her up. My sisters are the ones with the sense of fashion; not me (this is without prejudice to those who think otherwise---I respect your opinion over the matter).  I even always recommend my sister's shop to my friends who would ask me about where I got my clothes.  She's been my--- how do I call her--- sponsor since I could remember. Here are a few of the many clothes she sells on her shop and the year I got them: 

Honoring of New lawyers 2011

2012

Graduates' Convocation Ball 2011

College of Arts and Sciences Retro-themed Big Day 2011

Mass Communication Tribute to Graduates 2009

2009

So for the years of wardrobe support *teehee*, Thank you, Sis! Mwah! Mwah! Keep it coming. hahaha!

Click on the next photo if you wish to check her items out. :) Don't forget to subscribe.

Si l'amour devait avoir un visage, il porterait le tien. (Victor Hugo)

No you're not! ^_^

Letter to Soul

Maybe it’s because I don’t know where I stood in your life or whether I even really had a place to stand in to begin with. It felt like I was suspended in mid-air on a pole, a thousand feet off the ground. The uncertainty was one thing, being left alone was a different matter entirely. I was scared. What was even more poignant was the fact that it was you who put me there.

Did you have any idea how I felt as I waited for you with nothing but the hope I personally weaved myself and none of the assurance you should have given me? I struggled to pacify myself the entire time you chose to abandon me while trying my best not to go crazy at the thought that you didn’t have the care in the world. But I could never find it in myself to hate you because my heart dictated otherwise.

God knows I reached out to you. My effort proved futile, however, because you found it suitable to ignore me. 

Have you ever thought about how hard it was for a girl like me to spend that long a period of time, hoping over something with no one else to assure her but herself?

Chances. We are only afforded a few.

I suppose that’s why it took me quite some time to let it go… because I knew I might never have the chance to be with you again if I gave up on you. So I waited.

But it takes two to tango so to speak. The wait is senseless if no one wanted to come back. Although it was hard, I stopped the dance and left the dancefloor. I must have looked stupid dancing alone after all.

But I believe no heartache is left in vain. A person hurt is bettered because he knows now what others ought not to feel; he will then not dare cause it.

In that light, I ask for forgiveness for I know I caused you the same torment and I never, in a million years, wanted you to go through anything like that. I am not without fault. I must have somehow caused you some discomfort for you too are human and is susceptible to some degree of pain. I would never wish pain upon you, all the more intentionally cause it. I apologize, nonetheless.

I still care for you and I will never stop doing so. In fact, I miss you. I guess that’s how it just is whether I like it or not. I have never lied to you about anything, not even about my feelings, which is probably why I always clearly knew what you were and always are to me. I am not in the business of denying any of it although I know I am no longer permitted to pursue it. I still wish you the good things.

I now stand somewhere; I am certain where I am. I am at that place where, even if I am at risk as I were on that pole I used to stand in, I am not scared anymore. I feel safe now.

My heart is at peace and I can now look at you with eyes of tenderness and platonic affection… and none of the sorrow.

But, dear, you don't understand!

The thrill I feel  when I get new eyeglasses is similar to that when you get a new dress. (Plus it's banana republic).

So yeah! It's midnight and I'm going to show it off. Sue me!

These are two of my professors. As to who they are, you go and guess. I don't know if it's just me or drawing them while they're discussing really makes me retain the lesson more effectively. Anyhow, I have come to believe it does.

I enjoy drawing my professors. Don't get me wrong, these aren't caricatures or mockeries of them. These are simple drawings. "Why do I draw them?", you may ask. Let me tell you.

In drawing them I get to see something other students don't seem to notice. Their subtle quirks perhaps, or the way the lines on their forehead seem to appear and reappear, or the gentle manner they press their lips together in mid-sentence, or the gradual gliding of their glasses down their nose, or the sudden (if not startling) movement their ears make, or the crease on the side of their mouths, or the scar on their cheeks, or their prominent dimple, or their constellation of moles, or their chiseled nose,or their divided chin, or their shy lashes, or their receding hairline, or their arching brows.

DETAILS.

When I look at them---not just stare at them---, I see the details... and then I wonder what makes them so. Their story, surely they have one... And as I put those details into paper, I feel as though their stories are passing through my pencil. Every line, every shade, and every stroke I render, makes me feel like I am telling their stories... although not really.

And when I am done, I see them differently. They become paradoxically familiar yet unknown to me. As though I've seen more of them yet they became more enigmatic. It's like seeing one phase of a cube and knowing the existence of the rest yet remaining clueless as to what they are.

So every time my pencill kisses my paper for the last time, I'd stare down at the face I have come to draw and I say, "nice to meet you."

"Why are you so offended by your own anatomy?"

The human body is such a beautiful thing.

I do not fully understand why it has become the subject of ridicule and perversion.

(click on image to see in full screen)

Reflection

This photo was taken some 7 years ago; I was only 14 years young (go ahead, do the math). I was doing a dance interpretation of the song "Reflection" by Christina Aguilera (OST of Mulan) for the very first pageant competition I have ever joined.

The man at the back was my choreographer. I sought his expertise because I had little, if not none at all, knowledge in coming up with steps for the song. Dance wasn't my major in highschool; I was a Theater artist. So although I had no problem projecting on stage, if it were not for my choreographer, I would have messed the whole routine up. 

I had bruises all over my body: my knees, my elbows, my arms, and wherever. I remember practicing splits everyday for the entire week preceding the performance. I'd wake up at dawn trying to perfect the pirouette and ballonné. Not to mention, I had to work with my facial expression and all. For a 14 year-old, that was tough. It was even tougher because I didn't initiate the joining of the competition. I was picked (and bribed... and blackmailed... and then they called my eager parents). I am not complaining though. I never did. In fact, I thank God I took part. Otherwise, I would never have witnessed the euphoric look on my parents and family's face when I won the competition. That was all that mattered to me.

When I handed the trophy to my father, it felt like that scene in Mulan. You know, that part when Mulan finally defeated the Huns, returned home and went to where his father, Fa Zhou, was: 

Mulan: [kneels] Father. I brought you the sword of Shan-Yu, and the crest of the Emperor. They're gifts, to honor the Fa family.

 [Fa Zhou drops the sword and crest on the ground and embraces Mulan]

Fa Zhou: The greatest gift and honor... is having you for a daughter. 

"The greatest gift and honor... is having you for a daughter."

So ok, I romanticized the whole thing a bit, but I did feel the pride my family had of me. It was the best feeling ever. I swore then that I'd continue doing just that--- bring honor to my family.

I suppose picking the song "Reflection" for my dance was no coincidence at all.

Original entry on January 21, 2012: Who would have thought moving on is possible?

If my life were a movie, I'd have to say, mine is nearing its credits.

Not because i'm going to eternal slumber or anything. No, it's a little less dramatic than that. My movie's about to end because I'm about to begin yet another sequel.

As to the question of whether or not the next one will be better, that I do not know. But I am hoping for the best (just like what every one in my specie is hoping for. No matter how much they deny it).
~~~~
So yes, my movie's about to end... and I'm glad.

I have come to this metaphor because, just like most movie plots, after the climax and the denouement, it is either a "fin" or the continuation of the heroine's tale that will follow.

Mine's the latter.

I personally admit that I had just gone through a rather heartbreaking drama and, thankfully, had just achieved an exhausting resolution.

I am currently at that part of that movie where the heroine had just achieved reconciliation with herself. She is seen sitting on a bench facing a seemingly infinite lake. Her wayward hair breezes lightly through her forehead but her face is at peace. She smiles as her past drowns away like the lingeringly sinking sun at the horizon. She closes her eyes for a moment, taking everything in with a pint of submission, acceptance and relief. She reopens her eyes slowly only to find the sun gone ---but also finding company with the person she never quite expected.

So yes, my dear friends. I believe it is time to put an end to this story.
Let the credits roll ,
let the themesong be played One. Last. Time,
and--- let us proceed.

This director is about to say, "THAT'S A WRAP!" to this movie.

I saw a digital photo of this while scrolling down my dashboard on tumblr last year and I thought I'd draw it. Turned out ok, I suppose. :)

The face doesn't matter when you're naked.

It probably has something to do with being comfortable with and by yourself. It’s not just your average stay-within-my-comfort-zone kind of thing. It’s about being able to battle your own troubled inward thoughts and that of the rest of the world —-and then you come out victorious. Like a glorious free woman should be.

When you realize that everyone else has left you and no one’s there to have your back, you have got to learn to strive for yourself and take care of what else is reduced of you. When somebody gives up on you, you have got to know how to rely on yourself. You cannot and must not always think that someone is out there to save you; this isn’t some religious story or some romanticized narration. You have to save yourself. Be your own hero so to speak.

In time, you will learn how it is not only to love yourself but how to show it. It is not selfishness. It is about self-worth and self-respect. So when the moment comes that someone will present himself before you, you need not expect much from him for you yourself already have what you need. There will be no disappointments should he fail to carry out what he promised. And should he have something more to offer, you will be able to gracefully accept it. You will feel Like a full cup, teeming beyond the brim.

It has been said that when you get a taste of one thing that feels good, you would always come back for more. I suppose there is some truth to it because months after I said I'll never draw again, I found myself with a pencil on hand and a sketchbook on my lap.

I stopped drawing to forget. Although it started great, there were just too many painful memories I could recall just at the thought of one stroke. Even looking at a disfigured eraser could mercilessly inundate my mind with long-past memories. I thought that if I'd pursue that art, I'd be incessantly hurting myself. So I stopped.

But then it hit me---why not create new memories? Surely, I can associate a much brighter thought to it than the gloriously catastrophic ending of a story I call a love affair. There must be something better... something happier. In an epiphanic moment, I decided I was not in the business of living my life avoiding the good things in fear of being reminded with the bad.

And so, with a more inspiring conviction and with less fear (if none at all), I draw once more.

N.B. I'll be posting them for the first time in the next posts.

How I started drawing

It wasn't long ago when I found out I knew how to draw. And when I say  "not long ago", I meant "not long ago". I was in my last semester of college, that was in the year 2010. My then boyfriend and I were on YM with our webcams on. While he was checking some random things online, I picked up a pencil and a paper and started drawing him.

This was my very first sketch. EVER!

It took me months before I showed him these sketches. I was shied by the fact that, for one, I drew him... and for another, that he might not like how I rendered him on paper. But when he finally saw it, he seemed pretty pleased (either that or he was just really kind). I was inspired, if not obsessed, with drawing him to the extent that I bought myself a sketchbook. I filled every page with drawings of him. When I had every page filled, I gave it to him as a present. It took me two fast months to finish it just so it would be done right in time for Christmas. Too bad I was unable to secure a copy. I hope he didn't throw it in the bin. I labored for that after all. *teehee* Although if he did, it was upon his rightful discretion.

When we broke up right before he went for the review for his license exam, I didn't stop drawing. I pursued it still, producing a number of sketches which he had not seen... Even when I was already in law school.

At that time, I have limited myself to drawing only him. I came up with these:

Until I came to the point wherein I stopped drawing. It was a decision which came to me like lightning. I stopped drawing in a flash! I took my pencils, gave it to my sister's kids and I tried to forget that I even knew how to draw.

But apparently things have their way of coming back to you no matter how much you try to avoid it to forget it. As to how... wait for my next post. :)