Letter to Soul

Maybe it’s because I don’t know where I stood in your life or whether I even really had a place to stand in to begin with. It felt like I was suspended in mid-air on a pole, a thousand feet off the ground. The uncertainty was one thing, being left alone was a different matter entirely. I was scared. What was even more poignant was the fact that it was you who put me there.

Did you have any idea how I felt as I waited for you with nothing but the hope I personally weaved myself and none of the assurance you should have given me? I struggled to pacify myself the entire time you chose to abandon me while trying my best not to go crazy at the thought that you didn’t have the care in the world. But I could never find it in myself to hate you because my heart dictated otherwise.

God knows I reached out to you. My effort proved futile, however, because you found it suitable to ignore me. 

Have you ever thought about how hard it was for a girl like me to spend that long a period of time, hoping over something with no one else to assure her but herself?

Chances. We are only afforded a few.

I suppose that’s why it took me quite some time to let it go… because I knew I might never have the chance to be with you again if I gave up on you. So I waited.

But it takes two to tango so to speak. The wait is senseless if no one wanted to come back. Although it was hard, I stopped the dance and left the dancefloor. I must have looked stupid dancing alone after all.

But I believe no heartache is left in vain. A person hurt is bettered because he knows now what others ought not to feel; he will then not dare cause it.

In that light, I ask for forgiveness for I know I caused you the same torment and I never, in a million years, wanted you to go through anything like that. I am not without fault. I must have somehow caused you some discomfort for you too are human and is susceptible to some degree of pain. I would never wish pain upon you, all the more intentionally cause it. I apologize, nonetheless.

I still care for you and I will never stop doing so. In fact, I miss you. I guess that’s how it just is whether I like it or not. I have never lied to you about anything, not even about my feelings, which is probably why I always clearly knew what you were and always are to me. I am not in the business of denying any of it although I know I am no longer permitted to pursue it. I still wish you the good things.

I now stand somewhere; I am certain where I am. I am at that place where, even if I am at risk as I were on that pole I used to stand in, I am not scared anymore. I feel safe now.

My heart is at peace and I can now look at you with eyes of tenderness and platonic affection… and none of the sorrow.